During the summer of 2009, a mom from one of my mommy email groups sent an email to the group about a “creepy guy with a back pack full of beanie babies” — and a camera — who approached her young children, while not noticing the mom nearby. This warning prompted a flurry of email activity. From this, came a highly recommended book, The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. The mommy recommendations interested me enough to order and read the book. It’s definitely a book that I wish I had read sooner.
From the insider cover of the book:
Gavin De Becker is a three-time presidential appointee whose pioneering work has changed the way our government evaluates threats to our nation’s highest officials. His firm advises many of the world’s most prominent media figures, corporations, and law enforcement agencies on predicting violence, and it also serves regular citizens who are victims of domestic abuse and stalking. De Becker has advised the prosecution on major cases, including the O.J. Simpson murder trial. He has testified before many legislative bodies and has successfully proposed new laws to help manage violence.
From the back of the book:
A date won’t take “no” for an answer. The new nanny gives a mother an uneasy feeling. A stranger in a deserted parking lot offers unsolicited help. The threat of violence surrounds us every day. But we can protect ourselves, by learning to trust — and act on — our gut instincts.
In this empowering book, Gavin de Becker, the man Oprah Winfrey calls the nation’s leading expert on violent behavior, shows you how to spot even subtle signs of danger — before it’s too late. Shattering the myth that most violent acts are unpredictable, de Becker, whose clients include top Hollywood stars and government agencies, offers specific ways to protect yourself and those you love, including… how to act when approached by a stranger… when you should fear someone close to you… what to do if you are being stalked… how to uncover the source of anonymous threats or phone calls… the biggest mistake you can make with a threatening person… and more. Learn to spot the danger signals others miss. It might just save your life.
As I read the book, I couldn’t help but have flashbacks to moments in my life in which my instincts were alarmed but I ignored them out of politeness. I have been lucky so far. I prefer not to continue to challenge my luck in this regard and this book was invaluable in helping me to be more mindful of safety — which is critical with our children. It provided me with new frameworks from which to view, interpret, and digest situations. I believe it is a must-read!
Some interesting figures from the book:
- In the last two years alone, more Americans died from gunshot wounds than were killed during the entire Vietnam War. By contrast, in all of Japan (with a population of 120 million people), the number of young men shot to death in a year is equal to the number killed in New York City in a single busy weekend. Our armed robbery rate is one hundred times higher than Japan’s. In part, that’s because we are a nation with more firearms than adults, a nation where 20,000 guns enter the stream of commerce every day. (The Gift of Fear (1997) by Gavin de Becker; page 7)
- Neither privilege nor fame will keep violence away: In the last 35 years, more public figures have been attacked in America than in the 185 years before that. Ordinary citizens can encounter violence at their jobs to the point that homicide is now the leading cause of death for women in the workplace. (The Gift of Fear (1997) by Gavin de Becker; page 7)
- While we are quick to judge the human rights record of every other country on earth, it is we civilized Americans whose murder rate is ten times that of other Western nations, we civilized Americans who kill women and children with the most alarming frequency. In (sad) fact, if a full jumbo jet crashed into a mountain killing everyone on board, and if that happened every month, month in and month out, the number of people killed still wouldn’t equal the number of women murdered by their husbands and boyfriends each year. (The Gift of Fear (1997) by Gavin de Becker; page 7)
- We all watched as bodies were carried away from the Oklahoma City bombing, and by the end of that week we learned to our horror that nineteen children had died in the blast. You now know that seventy children died that same week at the hands of a parent, just like every week — and most of them were under five years old. Four million luckier children were physically abused last year, and it was not an unusual year. (The Gift of Fear (1997) by Gavin de Becker; pages 7-8)
Another mom wrote the following about a different book by the same author:
Hi everyone –
I sent out a book rec a while ago when we were all discussing the creepy guy. The book was “Protecting the Gift” by Gavin de Becker. I just finished reading it.
It is a book about how to protect your child from violence (many different types, including child-on-child violence as well as abuse and stranger violence) and I have to say that it might be the most significant, important book I have read on parenting (and as those in our book club can attest, I really like to read…). It shows you precursors to violence and how to recognize the signs. It’s a wealth of information and I urge every single one of you to read this book. Given the subject matter, there are sections that are extremely difficult to read, but the knowledge gained from this book could help you save a child – not just your own, but others as well.
There are valuable resources and questions to ask of daycares, babysitters, doctors, other parents and schools. This book made me see my role as the protector of my child in a way I never really appreciated.
I know it’s a subject that is so tough to even think about, but I feel so much more empowered after facing this head on and I hope you will too. If anyone else has read this book and would like to discuss, I’d be happy to participate.
Click below to view some interviews of the author, Gavin de Becker, from YouTube:
